COMING SOON
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COMING SOON ⋆
1. Not so fast and furious
One of my best friends, Mia, and I decided one year that we would do a two week trip. We had never travelled together before and we just knew we would have so much fun. She was telling me we should go to Hawaii because she really wanted to do a road trip in one of those 1980’s, Combi camper vans. I said we should do Mexico because well, I always want to go to Mexico, but she said she had been before and thought it was too touristy. Well -
*CHALLENGE ACCEPTED*
“Let me show you MY Mexico” I insisted. Once she found a place in Tulum where you could rent the Combi vans, she was sold.
One teensy little issue with the van was that it was manual transmission, and we didn’t really know how to drive stick. Not to worry, after a one hour lesson at home from one of our friends in a parking lot, we were experts…or so we told the owner of the company that rented out the vans. I am truly shocked that we passed his driving inspection. The next thing we knew we were cruising through downtown Tulum, stalling in the middle of the street, going the wrong way down one ways, and rolling backwards down hills. One thing that was especially tricky was getting into reverse, so our method was to put it in neutral and have one person steer while the other pushed, easy peezy!
Our first camping spot that we had planned was right on the beach underneath a big bunch of palm trees. We had intended to get there before it got dark, but you know, we could barely drive the van so it was a miracle we made it there at all. We had to take a dirt road that was SO BUMPY and there was very little sunlight left to even spot the holes before we drove right over them. It was a stressful journey, but we made it down the road and just a few minutes away from the camping spot..when the van completely broke down. We thought it was just our poor driving for a moment and that we had stalled again, but we quickly determined it wasn’t going to start back up. Great..two women stranded in a van in some random area of Mexico, every vacationers dream. Luckily, a group of locals who worked at the campsite saw us from down the road, obviously struggling, and came over to help us. The mens’ efforts were heroic, they tried everything they could think of and were unsuccessful, but refused to abandon us until reinforcements came. And not in a creepy guy way like “ooh we’ll keep you girls safe ;)”…more in like a “well we can’t just leave them here” kind of way.
We called the owner of the van and after a short while he showed up with a replacement one for us to take, bless him. By the end of it we were starving and most of the stores along the road were closed. On top of it all, it had started to rain. Our epic night of camping had become a total disaster and we were exhausted. We slugged our way down to a small convenience store, bought bread, bologna, and mustard, and ate pathetic sandwiches in the back of the van, thankful that we finally made it and had a working vehicle again. The next morning we woke up underneath the palm trees with an amazing view of the sun shining on turquoise ocean waves, and the debacle from the previous night was forgotten.
And for the record, after this trip Mia loved Mexico so much that she got married there.
2. Wishing the jelly fish were the worst of our problems
I’m already laughing as I begin writing this one. Quite a few years back, my great friend Berkley and I went to an all-inclusive in Cuba. We had a pretty good going at the beach, when two of the staff members(maybe) approached us and asked if we wanted to go to a really great snorkelling spot. “Well that sounds wonderful” we thought, "how nice of the hotel to offer this”. So they got us our gear and the four of us started swimming out. We headed around a rocky bend and ended up in sort of a little cove. Shortly after arriving we realized that more than a snorkelling excursion, this was an attempt to put the moves on us where no one could see. Shocking. We probably should’ve realized that from the start but hey, I blame the mojitos. What was even worse, if you can imagine, was that the cove was filled with what seemed like HUNDREDS of tiny little jellyfish. Berkley and I swam over to each other and quickly agreed it was time to hightail it out of there. We gave no explanation to the men, and doggy paddled back to the beach as fast as our drunken arms and legs would carry us. As we got close to the shore, disaster struck again, I could hear Berkley start to yelling behind me “OW! MY ARM! Mel I think I got stung!!”…”You need to pee on me!”
I sprung into action. My friend needed my help. I’m pretty sure the pee on a jellyfish sting thing is a myth, but there was no time to deliberate. She sat on her knees in the shallow water, stuck her arm out, and I swung my leg over it like a brave knight mounting their noble steed before battle. I was extremely dehydrated at this point, but I summoned all of my might and willed my body to pee on her. There weren’t too many people on the beach at the time, but a few lucky guests did get to witness my heroism. Her arm was fine and I think what was more painful were our hangovers the next day. This was definitely the worst snorkelling excursion I’ve ever participated in. Thankfully it was free..and looking back this should’ve been another obvious clue to its illegitimacy. I give it 1 star only because we did get some good exercise swimming all the way there and back.
3. Starting strong and ending even stronger
Years ago I worked for Via Rail Canada onboard the trains and we always had the winters off, so I was fortunate enough to go on some extended trips. One of them was an entirely solo, 6 week trip to Peru and Bolivia, with the pinnacle of the journey being a visit to the salt flats in Uyuni. It was incredible. Along with other travellers from all over the world, I took a 3 day jeep trek through the salt flats, stayed in a hotel made of salt, and soaked in a hot spring in the middle of the desert. It was truly the experience of a lifetime and I know you’re waiting for the part where it gets bad. The entire trip went so smoothly, except for the very beginning, and the very end. Those were both fails.
My adventure began in Lima, Peru and I did not properly research this city at all before going. I quite literally chose the cheapest hotel I could find, unrealistically assuming all of Lima would be lovely and full of tourists. I saw pictures of the hotel before going of course, and it looked mediocre at best, but I was 23 years old and didn’t mind if it meant I could afford to travel for over a month. So I arrive at the airport, feeling a bit intimidated but mostly triumphant and excited, and I get my bags and grab a taxi. I show the driver the address to my hotel and he asks me if I’m sure that’s where it is - already a bad sign. I double checked the confirmation e-mail and assured him that it was. I had no idea how large Lima was and we were driving much longer than I’d expected, but I was enjoying taking in the scenery of a whole new world. As we went on however, the scenery slowly started to..decline..I will say. The neighbourhoods started looking less and less welcoming, and more and more different from the picturesque photos of Lima that I’d been obsessing over the last few months. As we got closer the driver asked again - you’re sure this is where you’re staying? And I..less confidently this time answered…”ummmm yeah”. When we finally made it to the hotel it was almost dark, but even in the dim lighting it was very obvious that this was not a good area. Everything looked extremely dark, run down, and there was not a person in sight. The receptionist, who was sitting in a weird cage-like office, gave me my keys and I climbed the narrow and musty little staircase up to my room. He did not help me with my giant backpack and second smaller backpack. The room was equally musty, there was no seat on the toilet, and the entire space was probably 15 square feet. I tried to stay positive and decided that surely in the daylight everything would be better, I would go out and make friends with other travellers, and have a lovely time. I laid in bed inside of my sleeping bag because I didn’t trust the bedding to be clean or free of bugs, and went to sleep.
The next morning I woke up a little drowsy from the long trip, but ready to take on the day and explore the best of Lima. I got dressed and went outside to go check out the scene. I walked a couple blocks past some shops, hoping for the best..but to no avail. There were absolutely zero other tourists, there was nothing interesting to do, and it felt super sketchy. This was not what people mean when they say they were in Lima. Where were the beaches and the beautiful cliff-lined highway? And the lively culinary scene? Nowhere to be found. It was like I’d planned a trip to New York and booked a hotel in the Bronx. The great price I got was starting to make a lot of sense. The locals all stared at me with utter bewilderment as I walked by and it couldn’t be clearer to me that I had made a grave error. No one bothered me and thankfully nothing scary happened, but it was definitely not the experience I was hoping for, to say the least. So, I got an empanada and a smoothie from a little restaurant, sat outside, and made the best of it. At least the weather was nice!…I can’t remember for the life of me the name of the area I stayed in, but later on I told a Peruvian man at my hostel that I had stayed there and his response was - you stayed THERE?! What were you thinking??? Thankfully I was just there one night and returned at the end of trip, this time choosing a much nicer neighbourhood called Miraflores. Other than falling asleep right at the gate for my flight home and spending $1100 on a new one, the rest of the trip was perfect.
4. Don’t step in the!!…Awwwww
My family is full of adventurers, and at one point my sister had been doing charity work in Haiti (no Haiti is not in Africa, it shares the same island as the Dominican Republic) and ended up living there for a while. I had already done a couple short visits, and one year we decided I would go stay with her for a whole month. So we made all of the arrangements, I quit my job at a daycare because they wouldn’t give me the time off, and I was on my way. On the plane we were given one of those immigration forms about your reason for visiting, how long you’d be staying, and the address you’d be staying at, etc. I had forgotten to get my sister’s address, and she was picking me up at the airport anyway, so I left that part blank and ignorantly thought, ah its Haiti, they can’t really be that bureaucratic.
I was sorely mistaken…they were that bureaucratic and then some. When I went through immigration, it was a BIG deal that I didn’t have the address. They were not going to let me leave the airport. I tried to explain in my dodgy French that my sister hadn’t given me her address and was coming to get me, but that my phone didn’t have any signal in order to call her. They finally told me that they would keep my passport for collateral, and that I needed to go find my sister outside and bring her in to give them the address. I was extremely stressed and intimidated, and it is incredibly hot and humid in Haiti so I was sweating buckets. I hurried towards the doors to go find my sister, passing through lines of other travellers. As I was walking, I heard some people start to yell at me in a concerned tone..but I didn’t have time to figure out what they were saying and react before…I felt a squish between my toes.
So this is why they had tried to warn me…I gasped in horror and looked down to see that I had stepped, in my flip flops, into a giant mound of chunky vomit. I really wanted to cry and I’m very surprised that I didn’t. I took a quick pause to accept that I had someone else’s puke on my foot and there was nothing I could do in that moment, and carried on my way. I found my sister, we gave airport security her address, got my passport back, and headed to the bathroom to wash my foot in the sink. As if I wasn’t standing out enough already (I don’t think Haiti gets many tourists) I was now giving my foot a birdbath In the airport washroom. It was humiliating and super gross. I hope that someone out there tells the story of the time they saw a girl step in puke in the airport.
5. She’s independent, she’s strong, she’s…actually this is too hard.
Overall, I absolutely loved Colombia, but there were…a couple hiccups on this trip. First of all, my biggest reason for going was to visit a National park called Parque Tayrona. It’s basically a series of beautiful beaches among the foothills of the Sierra Nevada mountains - so beautiful Shakira even sings about it in one of her songs. So I was MAJORLY bummed to arrive in Colombia only to find out that the park was closed for the entire month. This is why you do your research people. The park gets shut down for a month, a few times a year, in order to let nature restore itself - which I absolutely agree with - but man do I wish I would’ve known that before planning the trip. I shed a few tears and reminded myself that here were plenty of other amazing things to see.
The second mishap was our accommodations. My two girlfriends and I had planned to do a workaway so that we could stay for free in exchange for working a few hours during the week. We decided this was a good way to save money, extend our trip, and have a home base to come back to. The webpage said that we would be on a farm helping with gardening. I envisioned myself in a cute little apron with a spade, perhaps digging holes and planting seeds, surrounded by tropical flowers. Once again… I was sorely mistaken. Let me start by saying that the location was beyond anything I have the vocabulary to describe. It was a palm tree farm and as far as the eye could see was just..palm trees, hundreds of them, swaying in the breeze. In the middle of the trees was a gravel path that led to a beach where a freshwater river met the Caribbean Sea. Nobody else really had access to this area and so we basically had our own private spot. I will never forget the beauty of it.
But this is where it gets rough. “Gardening” actually meant watering ALL of the palm trees, and if you think we had a hose, guess again. What we had was a very deep well, some buckets, and a wheelbarrow. The well did not have one of those contraptions with the metal rod and the rope that allow you to lower a bucket down. We basically had to throw them downwards with enough force for them to sink a bit and start filling up. Then we hauled them up and loaded them into the wheelbarrow which we used to push them down the wider trails. We would carry the heavy buckets on our shoulders over to each row of trees, and walk along pouring the water onto them. These were not nicely pruned rows either. We trudged through bushes and got covered in burrs, there were huge bugs and snakes everywhere, and every once in a while a coconut fell out of the trees and scared the crap out of us. On top of all this, this was another country that was absurdly hot and by 9am the heat was sweltering. I have never been so sweaty in my 33 years. Our entire bodies would just be soaked. I’m an early riser and tried to get the other two up and going before the heat really kicked in, but despite sleeping in hammocks in a tree fort, they were always pretty cosy, and didn’t want to get up. I don’t blame them, this was supposed to be a vacation! And also…doesn’t it rain in Colombia and do palm trees really need to be watered? Was all of this really necessary, or some sick prank? “ASHTON YOU CAN COME OUT NOW”. Needless to say, after a few days of intensive labour, we decided it wasn’t for us. I would also like to note that the tree fort was actually the more luxurious room option that we were upgraded to after the employees realized the brick hut with no electricity wasn’t going to cut it. I think they got sick of charging our phones for us. After this we decided paying for a hostel wouldn’t be so bad after all. We had an amazing time, met amazing new people, and the only heavy lifting we did was our backpacks.